In recent years, my life has been littered with subtle, almost imperceptible shifts that have come to define the woman I’d like to be. Suddenly, I’ve become much lighter; more at ease with myself. I feel less tethered to the past, and other people’s actions. Although I’m not completely free, I can feel my wings emerging.
Like I say, it has been subtle. One day, I simply caught myself in the mirror; heard the shift in the rhythm of my voice and suddenly felt a recognition that wasn’t there before: something in me has shifted. And it feels right.
When I go through something, I tend to make my world small and I become introverted and introspective. So, when others tell me that the changes in me have been profound and dramatic, I understand. However, to me, they’re relatively unremarkable; like the slow turning of the seasons. I’ve mostly found them in small decisions; ones that don’t feel significant until I realise they’ve led me somewhere new.
Therapy has been the catalyst for these shifts. I once felt so profoundly unsure and afraid of myself, of my future, of my existence that confronting what has hurt and haunted me has become crucial to my wellbeing. Therapy has allowed me to take back parts of myself that trauma has cruelly claimed. It hasn’t been easy; in fact, the opposite is true. But in doing so, I have slowly started to learn that my past doesn’t have to dictate my future. I’m learning to see that the pieces of my story aren’t chains keeping me prisoner in someone else’s definition of who I am or how I should be. No, instead, they’re threads that I can weave into something – someone – much stronger.
For the longest time, I have allowed trauma to define me. Perhaps for good reason. The perpetual pummelling I’ve received from the world for so long has deeply scarred me; mentally, emotionally and physically. I have been ripped apart, crushed and broken; the whole ground has shifted beneath me and brought with it the kind of pain that has genuinely made me question whether I’d find my footing ever again.
The heartbreak and betrayals; the casual cruelty I’ve endured, coupled with regular reminders of how unlovable I am by voices that should be my comfort, has taught me that not everyone is meant to stay in my life. Not everyone deserves a seat at my table. And that’s fine; these people have become catalysts for a growth so life-changing that I am now able, perhaps for the first time in my life, understand what I both need and deserve.
What I do find surprising, though, is how after all of this, I am still a hopeless romantic (swashbuckling-ly so!). I still believe in love and connection. The pain and betrayal I’ve suffered hasn’t closed me off – not entirely. While I am somewhat wary of letting simply anyone in – due to a crushing mistake I made earlier this year – I know I won’t make that mistake again. For the first time in my life, I find myself more open and more hopeful than I ever expected to be.
Truthfully, I’m excited to fall in love again; to meet My Person. The one who will see me for who I truly am now. Not who I used to be or who they want me to be. But just me. I’m quietly confident about this; I feel optimistic in a way that feels truly earned. I know that becoming brand new isn’t about starting over. It’s about building on what’s already there; about letting go of what no longer serves or deserves me, and making space for what – and who – does.
I used to fear change. Not now. I embrace it, even when it feels uncomfortable. I look forward to stepping into the unknown now. There’s joy to be found in this process; in allowing myself to be fully transformed and grow into the person I’m supposed to be. I don’t expect to ever feel perfect or finished. I believe this progress is a life-long one. But right now, it’s about feeling comfortable in the knowledge that I am constantly evolving – and that there’s genuine beauty in that recognition.
I’m becoming brand new, not by erasing my past, but by integrating it into something – someone – more resilient; more whole. It’s not an easy journey, but it is filled with exciting possibilities. I’m trusting the process; finding comfort in uncertainty and I am leaning into – with my whole being – the concept that what lies ahead is something worth looking forward to.
I feel a sense of peace; a contentment that comes from knowing that it’s okay that I don’t have it all figured out; I’m on a journey. One that’s leading me towards something bright, beautiful and hopeful.
I’m evolving, growing, and that’s more than enough. I’m becoming brand new, friends, and it feels like the beginning of something truly wonderful.