Grief, the cruel companion to processing trauma, is trying its best to steal the vibrancy from my life. And in some ways, I’m allowing it to. Resisting grief, after all, is a futile task. Its insidious grasp will wrap itself around you one way or another, and it will smother you eventually. Grief cannot be passively endured, after all; you have to sit in the eye of its storm and let it destroy you.
You see, the contours of a submerged past have been slowly revealing themselves to me this year. Ghosts from a forgotten world have surfaced; their spectral forms haunting and taunting me. I feel raw and vulnerable. I am deeply wounded and adrift in a relentless sea of pain. The weight of these revelations is crushing and unknowingly carrying such heavy burdens for so long has transformed the life I thought I understood.
The full force of this storm is overwhelming me. My word has shrunk and its colours have faded. Simple tasks have become monumental to me. The relentless tide of depression is eroding my sense of self, and I feel very lost and very alone. In short, I’m really struggling.
Yet, amidst this grief and despair, I remain – as ever – hopeful. I am, after all, a shimmering, glittering mosaic of resilience and a beacon of unapologetic stubbornness: I simply refuse to be consumed by darkness.
You see, I understand the patterns of my pain much better now. I know how it infiltrates my thoughts and behaviours. And I’m learning to control it. So while each revelation has been a devastating blow to my already fragile and tender head and heart, I find solace in the fact that I will eventually find my way towards a new path in my life – and a new me.
So, while I may be entirely alone in my suffering, I know it’s temporary. I remain compassionate with myself, and committed to treating myself with the same love and tenderness I’d offer anyone else in my position. I know I’ve got this. I know the fog will lift, and pain will not define me. My past will not define me. I will simply emerge as someone new; an even stronger, more resilient woman – more deeply at ease and more connected with myself than ever before.
I look forward to meeting her.
Eventually, I will look back at this time with gratitude. The pain I have endured throughout my entire life has always been a catalyst for growth. And this too will propel me into an entirely new world of my own making. I may be covered in scars by then, but when I trace my fingers over each one, I will only be reminded of my endless strength and capacity to endure, thrive and grow.
Beauty will emerge from even the darkest of times, I just have to keep looking ahead.