We exist in a society obsessed with connection. Swipe right for love! Follow us for happiness! We’re bombarded with the message that we alone are not enough; that our fulfilment lies in togetherness – in external validation. And so, we’re pushed towards apps – for romance, for friendship, for connection – as the definitive key to true fulfilment.
I don’t buy it.
I’ve been single for two and a half years, and my friends have repeatedly expressed concerns about not dating or actively searching for My Person. And so, quite possibly to prove a point, I allowed them to gently nudge a reluctant, swashbuckling romantic human woman, towards a dating app.
I’ll admit, I gave it an honest go… Here’s my hot take:
Dating apps are a cynical exercise in efficiency; a reduction of human connection to a series of glances, swipes and half-arsed bios. I’ve scrolled through an endless parade of profiles, each one allegedly carefully curated (stay tuned for my equally hot take on what men must think women find attractive), featuring blurry photos and lazily copied and pasted answers to prompts.
Side note: are there really that many men in the North East whose most controversial opinion is whether or not pineapple belongs on a pizza?
Ultimately, my thoughts on dating apps is this: they’re devoid of any depth. They’re simply algorithms that prioritise convenience over connection, and they breed a culture of inauthenticity and disposability.
What else is there, though, you ask? What is the key to a truly fulfilling life if we aren’t swiping on apps, desperately seeking connection?
I don’t really know. But here’s my approach:
When I ended my eight year relationship, I didn’t know what I was going to do beyond wake up every single day and choose myself. I fully leaned into solitude. In fact, I embraced it completely. I spent most of my time alone, and I felt myself becoming a more vibrant, at ease version of myself every single day.
Fast forward to now and I am very pleased to say that the most fulfilling connection in my life is the one I have with myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand that connection with others is equally important in weaving the golden threads of a good life – laughter with friends, the quiet comfort of being in a loved one’s presence – they’re vital. But with the relentless pursuit of external connection and validation perpetually purported to be our saviour, I firmly believe that we’re losing sight of the importance of connecting with ourselves.
There’s a quiet magic in solitude. Truly. Solitude reveals corners of our mind that have remained untouched for years. It’s like stepping into a sun-drenched room after a long stretch of cloudy days. Solitude lends us the opportunity to rediscover the lilting melody of our own thoughts; the rhythm of our breath and the steady pace of our own gaze – paving the way for uninterrupted, quiet contemplation.
And here is where the power in solitude reveals itself.
Let me be clear: this isn’t a call to abandon our loved ones. It’s simply a gentle invitation to embrace pockets of quiet, devote entire weekends to contemplation, revel in stolen moments where we can simply be at ease – be still and at peace with ourselves. It’s in this stillness that the power of connection with ourselves is revealed, but also our connection to others. It allows us to embrace our heads and our hearts; to remember the dreams and fantasies we may have forgotten about, and lets us show up for ourselves and others in a way that is truly valuable in creating a full, well-rounded and happy life.
I get it, though. We all want to find love. Even me. But perhaps the most powerful act we can do, on our journey to love, is to choose solitude. It’s a quiet rebellion against the relentless pursuit of validation, which allows us to recognise that the secret to true and genuine fulfilment isn’t solely defined by having a plus one.
Solitude is a vibrant space for self-discovery; a chance to re-invest in our passions, nurture our friendships, and cultivate a life brimming with meaning, independent of romantic validation.
I am incredibly proud of myself for giving myself the freedom to reject society’s expectations and embrace the exhilarating journey of self-love that I’m on. So that when I do meet My Person, I can truly be my most favourite version of myself, first and foremost, but so that I can be their most favourite too.
After all, I’m not simply after human connection; I want to fall in love. And who better to start with than me?